Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dreams Fulfilled = Work + Discomfort

I am going to be transparent in this post, not for the purpose of support or because I think I am all that, but for the sake of giving someone hope.  I did something that I did not want to do and tried to avoid doing only to find myself having done it (Romans 7:15-25).  I have a friend whose voice-mail greeting says, "What you think about you bring about."  These words have been fulfilled!

What I did that I had wanted to avoid was getting myself stuck in a comfort zone.  I have been in this place of comfort for five years and am now at a crossroads.  Thanks to having been jolted out of my safe, comfortable, restful, self-centered world for five weeks (I was caring for someone else who is disabled) I am no longer the same.  God keeps bringing me to this place of choosing because I long to be living the call He has placed on my life.  In order for that to happen, I need to get over myself and do the work.  His work requires me to be uncomfortable and puts me in relationships and situations where He is in control and not me.  For those who are results-driven and perfectionists, not being in control is unsettling to frightening to paralyzing.

To be completely immersed in my God-given calling is the longing of my soul, but being immersed means I can't run when I don't feel like being of use.  I want to be recklessly abandoned to Him, but my head says this is not practical.  Even though God continues to equip me for the call, the final step for complete immersion is up to me.  Unfortunately, I like being comfortable.

Yesterday I had a pity party and this morning I continued it during my prayer time before the Lord.  Waiting on Him is hard because I am used to having a plan and seeing it come to fruition.  Waiting on the Lord to help me live from my soul is driving me bonkers.  What do I do while waiting?  Study some more?  Rewrite something.  Redesign something else.  Wait some more.  Doubt myself and His call.  Wait some more.  Aaargh!!!  Waiting proves who is in control.  It's not me.

The lesson I am learning and relearning is dying to self.  If I want to live, if I want to be recklessly abandoned, if I want to serve Him I must let go completely.  I also must do the work, whether I want to or not.  The fun, rewarding work must get done along with the "drudgery" of the day.  Mundane tasks count.

For excellence and fulfillment to happen, discomfort and movement must come.  We have to let go and stretch in order to reach the next step.  To walk or move, one must leave where they are to get to the next place.  For me to minister to other women and young girls, I must come out of my comfort zone and reach out my hands and heart to them.  I must choose to trust, risk feeling uncomfortable and be comfortable not having control.

Being a disciple requires all of me, not just self-selected parts and times.  God forgive me!

"I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - that I keep on doing."  (Romans 7:15, 18-19)

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.'" ( Matthew 16:24-25)

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